100,000 pesos to perform with this El Guapo, who's probably the biggest actor to come out of Mexico!

i leave for mexico in less than 24 hours...

i don't think i've ever felt as ill-prepared for a trip as i do this one... i mean, i haven't brushed up on what little spanish i might have acquired in 9th and 10th grade... i haven't done laundry, which means i haven't packed... i haven't prayed as much as i should have at this point... i haven't even thought about whether or not i need to worry about currency (until just now)...

i know all of it will fall into place... i know that everything will be better than fine... i guess that's why i'm not worried about any of it... i suppose i should be... but i'm not... i'm mostly excited that i get to use my passport again before it expires in may... i guess i should look at getting it renewed... i'd love to have a different passport picture than the one i have right now...

i am really excited about going, though... i'm excited about travelling with people... spending hours in a van full of people that are dear to me... and about seeing some precious children who i get to play with and love on... not to mention a couple of days outside of my world... the one filled with too much work and minor and not-so-minor frustrations...

should be good... pictures to come soon...

all i want for christmas is you...

i love that song, btw... but this post is not necessarily related to it...

here is the beginning of a list of things i think i suck at sometimes (some of them are things i think i suck at all the time...)

1) relationships (all of them)
2) words
3) life
4) following Christ
5) accepting grace and the free gifts God has given me

lately, i've been struggling with relationships and also the concept of accepting God's free gifts... i know i've received salvation, but i think that there are so many other good things He has for me... and they're sitting there wrapped under the tree... but it's like i'm afraid of them or i don't know what to do with them or i feel like i don't deserve them...

so, a dear friend of mine encouraged me to read through John in an attempt to examine Jesus' relationships... all of them, through John's eyes...

i started the other night and have still only made it through verses 1-2...

"in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God."

there was a reference from vs. 1 to Phil 2:6... "who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped"

this stopped me in my tracks... i am still baffled by that idea. Jesus didn't consider equality with God a thing to be grasped... what? for real? my journal is filled with pages of notes... all mixed up... "yes, Jesus does what the Father wills... in the garden, he said, 'not my will, but yours be done.' but really... Jesus is perfect. He is God... it's another trinity concept i can't grasp..."

so, then, i get to verse 2 and there was a reference to 1 john 1:2, "the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us."

which leaves me with this. Word = Jesus = Life... which reminds me of John 6:63. "The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."

so i'm blown away by all of this... but there is a simplicity in it, as well... so i'm just trying to figure it all out... when my pastor says, "what is the relationship of the Father to the Son?" and i can't even scratch the surface of that... like i don't get it or something... and then Chris takes it one step further and says, " okay... here's your free gift... 'as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you...' what do you do with that? what does that look like?"

and i'm still wrestling... Jesus loves me the same way the Father loves Him... it seems like it should be so easy... like a teeny-bopper love song... but it's not... and they are more than mere words...

part of me finds comfort in knowing that i can never fully know God and His thoughts... yet He knows me fully, gets my thoughts and still offers me presents...

this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me... but then again, i'm probably the only one who will even see it...

sleepy eyes, part 2...

i guess it's the same song, second verse...

my eyes are way sleepier today than friday... that's what going to bed at 2:45 a.m. and getting up at 6 a.m. for work will do to a person... and there's a fun story behind it that i just can't share on a public arena...

why am i dumb?

however, my barista-friends (whose names i now know) provided me with a most wonderful triple-grande-cinnamon-dolce-latte... and on accident, he rung it up as a partner beverage... fyi... that means it's free...

i don't think i could love him more if i tried... i should have gotten a venti...

and i think i will be annoyed with the piped-in music at my office soon... it's a lot more noticeable when no one is here... it sounds like phantom of the opera but it's christmas music...

i guess i should get some work done... that was the reason i came in early... :)...

sleepy eyes...

my hair is curled and i have makeup on...

i'm wearing heels...

and i left for work before the sun actually came up...

thank you, barista-friends, for my coffee and with an extra discount... you're in the process of saving my life...

done....

here's what i miss about nashville:

a handful of relationships that are being nurtured and maintained on both sides...
the skyline...
a few fun places to hang out...

here's what i don't miss about nashville:

pretty much everything else...


i think i was able to do what i needed to do while i was there last weekend... i'm glad to be home. i'm glad to know who cares. i'm glad to have an incredible church family who loves me. i'm glad that i was wise enough to leave when i did. i'm glad i don't ever want to move back there. i'm glad it didn't feel like home. i'm glad i didn't feel welcome. i'm glad the pancake pantry is still great. i'm glad amy helped me move because if she hadn't, i would have died. i'm glad i wasn't completely alone. i'm glad i felt happy when i was back in little rock. i'm glad that i was met with lots of hugs and smiling faces. i'm glad those hugs and faces had strong arms to help me unload the trailer in record speed.

that's it...

on a completely separate note... i'm loving christmas music these days... pretty much the whole christmas season... maybe it's working at starbucks with the red cups... i love them... and the green and blue sleeves... and the red shirts with the green aprons... and all of that...